One of the best jokes

[alan_k]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward

employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost

both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points

for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to

4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting

at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to

4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any

special treatment"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the

interviewer says,

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and

scratching our b***ocks. There's no point in you coming in for that."

[outkast]

LOL

Very good Al

[norbertflyer]

I spent last weekend as a Premier league cameraman for the first time!

Perhaps I shouldn't have told Rooney my Grandma was single and available?

....

[Kran]

This penguin’s driving along the East Coast when his car starts playing up.

 

He swings into a service station and asks the mechanic if he could sort the problem.

 

The mechanic say’s he’ll have a look, but it will be about half an hour.

 

So the penguin decides to go for a walk to the beach and have a swim.

 

As he’s heading back to the mechanic, he comes across an ice cream stand and buys a big triple scoop vanilla.

 

He scoffs the ice cream, wipes his beak, but misses a big blob on his lower beak.

 

As he walks up to his car, mechanics head under the hood, he says hey, did you find anything to the mechanic.

 

The mechanic raises his head, looks at the penguin and says, yeah mate, I think you’ve just blown a seal.

 

The penguin retorts, wiping his beak, NO, NO, Seriously, I just had an ice cream..

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”
-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”
-
“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.
-
He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
 
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"
 
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
“What? Why?”
 
"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."
 
"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"
 
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."

[ptwizz]

As our 20th wedding anniversary was coming up, my wife asked me to get something 'to spice things up in the bedroom'.

I bought her a small, potted rubber tree.

"There you are", I said, "It's a latex fetish starter kit".

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, "Exactly!"

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."

He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend's long, curly locks.

"Do you have to do that here?" the embarrassed mother asked.

"I'm not doing anything, Mom," came her son's muffled voice. "My earring's caught in her hair."

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”

[Sujan Azad Parikh]

A guy orders at a bakery, "I'd like 19 buns please."

The baker suggests, "I think you should take 20, sir."

"Why?" asks the man, puzzled.

The baker replies, "That way, you would have one more!"

[AndyB]

I think that scores 1/20

[Cyscrofer]

Woman takes car into garage because it’s running rough

mechanic takes a good look and takes air filter off

arghh he says shit in the airfilter

she says how often do I have to do that then

lol

[Cyscrofer]

[Cyscrofer]

[Devok]

What do you call a girl with no eyes?

 A grl