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A few jokes...


poz
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, . . 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, . . . please don't get an erection. . . but she did.

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F**k me, talk about Dyson with death.

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Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink, and be Mary.

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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

"F**k that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says “How do you know?”

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

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A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...

"Where are you from? You sound English"

"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?"

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."

"It’s alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

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  • 3 weeks later...

An Arsenal fan, Spurs fan and a black man are all in the hospital after their wives have just given birth

The doctor comes over and says to them I am really sorry, but there has been a mix up in the nursery, and we can t tell whose baby is who?

Straight away, the Spurs fan walks up to the black baby, picks it up and says I will have this one

Confused the Black Man says Sorry mate, but that is clearly my baby

To which the Spurs fan replies Listen

pal, all I know is that one of those other two is a Gooner and I m not taking any chances....!!

Man walks into a pharmacy & asks for some Viagra. The cashier says, "I need some medical proof that you need it!" He replies, "Would a photo of the wife do?".

A father cooks his kids a deer for dinner but doesn't tell them what it is. "What is it?" one of them asks. The father says "Try and guess, it's something your mother calls me sometimes".

So jimmy saville's dead. I can't say I'm sorry. My life was never the same after he fixed it for me to go camping with Gary Glitter !!!!

It's nearly that time again when that fat bas@@@d with the beard brings a load of shit presents round for the kids..

I bleeding hate the mother in law.. Why won't she stay at her own house at Christmas?

A teacher informs the class they are doing famous quotations today and asks who said 'Kiss me Hardy?'

Quick as a flash a black kid puts his hand up and says 'Lord Nelson, Battle of Trafalgar 1805.' A white kid shouts out 'You f@@@ing black bas@@@d !'

Who said that asks the teacher? Quick as a flash the white kid says 'John Terry Loftus Road 2011'

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a dead pig lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find. A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said "did you give it the last rites ". "No" said the priest "i thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

At an England training session, John Terry gets the ball and dribbles round Ashley Cole, Wellbeck, Ashley Young, Ferdinand and Richards. Fabio Capello shakes his head and shouts: "Cones, John. I said go round the f@@@ing Cones!

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