one liners

[outkast]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

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Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?

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Honestly some folk will take offence at anything...I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby

"Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

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My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken

jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted

decking on the patio.

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Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to

spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b*llocks!!

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They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are

right. After 8 pints I talk **** and can't drive!

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Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?

The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

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Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist

"Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b*stard."

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A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*stard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[coggie49]

Well done Dave I loved the jokes, but I think in one post you have managed to offend:

The Lesbians

The Disabled

The Irish

The Medical profession

The Alcoholics

The Terrorists

Vicars

Bikers

And Women in general!!!!

Got any more????

David

[outkast]

Well done Dave I loved the jokes, but I think in one post you have managed to offend:

The Lesbians

The Disabled

The Irish

The Medical profession

The Alcoholics

The Terrorists

Vicars

Bikers

And Women in general!!!!

Got any more????

David

"If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon"

Johanes brahms

[alan]

Hears one for you Dave and a true story

I recently joined an on line dating service and was sent and subsequently filled in an application form only for it to be sent back and rejected.

They were not amused at one of the answers i put to a question "what would you most like to find in a women" apparently my penis is not an acceptable answer

[outkast]

Hears one for you Dave and a true story

I recently joined an on line dating service and was sent and subsequently filled in an application form only for it to be sent back and rejected.

They were not amused at one of the answers i put to a question "what would you most like to find in a women" apparently my penis is not an acceptable answer

[macey2kk]

Hears one for you Dave and a true story

I recently joined an on line dating service and was sent and subsequently filled in an application form only for it to be sent back and rejected.

They were not amused at one of the answers i put to a question "what would you most like to find in a women" apparently my penis is not an acceptable answer

try http://www.adultfriendfinder.com that would be a perfect answer for that one!!... ahem... so i hear!!

[outkast]

The Nuclear Physics Department of the University of Stellenbosch has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that absorbs just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[coggie49]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

[alan]

Just been offered a new job 55k a year working for the brittle bone society

I snapped his hands off.

[coggie49]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice..

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed..

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but all men... are men

[alan_k]

Something To Offend Everyone

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing *removed by admin* up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

" Holy F..k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"

Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F..k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a lightning fast shutter speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f..king having that!"

Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b ' stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.

Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

CLICK,BANG

Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

Paddy finds two hand grenades on the building site and takes them to the foreman asking "Sure and what shall I do wi dese tings boss ? " The foreman tells him to take them to the police station down the road. Paddy asks, "Sure and what if one of 'em goes off ? " The foreman replied " Tell them you only found ONE "