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Flying joke.


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A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.

"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.

"Where to?" asks the agent.

"Right back to here."


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  • 10 months later...

A bit of flying humour....

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." ––From an old carrier sailor

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh [censored]!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." - also applicable to paramotors

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.

Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy,"Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything


sight. Sorry,I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill,pays for the stuff the monkey


and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink the monkey finds a maraschino

cherry on

the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass pulls it


and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them

out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"Since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

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This ones not safe for work and may be a bit near the mark for here, Simon you be the judge


A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from

between your tits' he says..

'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I get

my husband..'

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the

cheeks of your arse and lick it all off.'

She says, 'You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!'

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it


'One more chance,' says the barmaid, 'Now - what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill

your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy


The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs

upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

'What's up love?' he asks.

'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my

tits and lick the sweat off', she says.

'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the Husband.

'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse

cheeks and lick it off' she screams.

'Right. He's dead!' says the husband, reaching for a cricket


'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny

with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and

switches the telly back on.

'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries


'Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15

pints of Guinness

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2 irish men in the florida everglades spot a alligator with a persons arms coming out of its mouth. one says to the other "look at that flash bastard with his la coste sleeping bag! :D

Little boy, in a bath with mum.

Boy says "what's that hairy thing?"

Mum replies "it's my sponge"

Boy says "oh, Auntie Kim's got one - I've seen her wash Dad's face with it"


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Blind fella walks into a bar. The barmaid serves him. As he starts to drink he says "Does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?"

Barmaid says "listen Mister, this is a Lesbian bar, my patner is the owner, she's a black belt at Karate and she's blonde. The woman next to you can break steel girders with her teeth and she's blonde, I am a professional boxer and hold the world title and I am blonde. Because you are blind I'll cut you a break. Do you REALLY want to tell that joke?"

"No!", says the man sheepishly. " Not if I've got to explain the damn punchline three times!"

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Fella goes to his doctor and says "I want a sperm count"

The doctor says "Don't be so daft, how old are you?"

"I',m 86"

"How old is your Elsie?"

"She's 82"

Doc "Don't be so stupid, you don't need a sperm count"

At this the old fella gets angry

"Look doc, I've been reading up on it and I'm entitled to a sperm count if I want one!"

The doc hands him a bottle saying "OK, take this home, get some sperm in it and we'll do a count"

The following day the doc sees the guy back in the surgery

"How did you get on?" he asks

"Well.." said the old boy, "I tried with my left hand, then with my right. Elsie tried with her left hand, then the right. She tried with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and we STILL couldn't get the f'kin lid off that bottle!!"

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  • 3 months later...

A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: "Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again".

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Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray ,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics .

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle..

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme..

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ' Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here

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If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational.....the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank, and before you know it, these two will merge and the whole place will be full of bloody w*nk*rs!!


Man has a £50 note tattooed on his cock. His wife says, "why have you done that?" He replies, "for 1, I like to see my money grow; 2, I like to play with my money; 3, I like having money in my hand, and last but not least, next time you want to blow fifty quid, you can stay at home and do it!"

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  • 4 months later...

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