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Only dirty if your mind is


learner_driver
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Not sure if these have been posted before, but i dont care

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on

British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a

lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it

when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava

from Bulgaria I saw her snatch this morning and it was

amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah,

isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing

the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer)

is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes

out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just

said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time

Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to

have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So

Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not

only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,

because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much

better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North'

said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a

cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':

'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he

gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a

male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage

remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other

and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie

Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks

Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by

himself.'

enjoy

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he

> glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon

> realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have

> it, she took the seat right beside his.

>

> Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

>

> She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual

> Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

>

> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen

> sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

>

> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your

> business role at this convention?"

> "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from

> my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about

> sexuality."

>

> "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

>

> "Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men

> are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native

> American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another

> popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is

> men of Jewish descent who are the best."

>

> "I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina

> is the Southern Redneck."

>

> Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm

> sorry, "she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with

> you. I don't even know your name."

>

> "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein", but my friends call me Bubba."

>

>

>Pete b

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> Dear Deidre,

> >

> > I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

> > I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The

> > usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has

been

> > going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she

> > always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

> > I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually

fall

> > asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep

> > down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again

> > and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage

> > behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she

> > arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.'

> > When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her

> > panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching

> > behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the

> > graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

> > Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop

> > where I bought it?

> >

> > Regards,

> >

> > Troubled

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> Kids Are Quick

> > ____________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

> > MARIA: Here it is.

> > TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

> > CLASS: Maria.

> > ____________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

> > JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

> > __________________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

> > GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

> > TEACHER: No, that's wrong

> > GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

> >

> > (I Love this kid)

> > ____________________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

> > DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

> > TEACHER: What are you talking about?

> > DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

> > __________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have

ten

> > years ago.

> > WINNIE: Me!

> > __________________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

> > GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

> > _______________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

> > MILLIE: I is..

> > TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

> > MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

> > ________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

but

> > also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

> > LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

> > SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

> > ______________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your

> > brother's. Did you copy his?

> > CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

> > ___________________________________

> >

> > TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people

are

> > no longer interested?

> > HAROLD: A teacher

> >

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And finally tonight

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

>

> FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.

> FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

> FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

>

> FACT:

> 1 lonely old timer is reading emails.

> You hang in there Sunshine.......

>

>

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Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

> > Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'

> > Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

> > Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

> > They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror,

> > mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and

> > Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

> > The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the

> > world.'

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Angelina jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeus woman alive.'

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > But Brad pitt lifted his sad, handsome face and said..

> >

> >

> > ……………………..

> > scroll down

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Who the hell is OUTKAST !!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

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I once met a former weatrherman who had been fired in the days when they used to stick felt symbols on an actual map instead of working in front of a blue chromakey screen. His crime?

on turning to the map one cold november night, he noticed that something was missing because big letters across the country simply said " OG"

He turned to the camera and said "I'm so sorry about the F in fog"

Another famous line from sports commentattors was aired live from Headingly. The crew had to take a break when the comentator calmy said, "And here goes, at a crucial stage of this test, The batsman's Holding, The bowler's Willie"

But my favourite comes from the 70's when Snooker was fast becoming a huge TV draw. I forget the guy's name now but you sometimes see this repeated in those out-take shows

"And he is looking closely at the difficult shot on the blue. For those of you watching in Black and white, that's the one just behind the Brown"

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And on the same subject, the one that had them all rolling round in the comentry box at a cricket match. I cant remember the name of the comentator or the year but he came out with this line.

"The batsmans Holding, the bowler's Willey"

After half an hour, some of them were still chuckling, and he told them to shut up.

Dave

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